I have to admit that I’ve been quite remiss in keeping this blog updated with the performance of the Artichoke Hearts, so that means that my two loyal blog readers will now have the sheer excitement of three bar billiards posts in a row. I’d also note that as this game was a few days after the London Craft Beer Festival I was drinking non-alcohol beer and I now regret that decision, as I was bloody dismal. Scientific evidence linking these two facts remains limited, but I have nevertheless reached my conclusion and won’t be repeating that mistake again.
Assiduous readers will note that half the regulars weren’t there as they were at Latitude Festival playing in the mud. I did wonder at this stage if anything could possibly go wrong, but I knew that I had a new secret weapon, Ivan. He told me that he was a champion player and that he was one of the winners of the cup when it was held at the Rosary. Fortunately for Ivan, the pub closed more than a decade ago and every surviving piece of documentary evidence confirming his achievements appears to have vanished with it.
For the first time in the season, I actually brought my own cue along. It’s not a very good cue, but I thought that it might bring me good luck, along with 0% Guinness and Prawn McCoys. Bar billiards is largely about psychology, with a modest amount of skill occasionally intruding, so I was quietly confident that this carefully assembled collection of sporting equipment and savoury snacks would transform my performance.
Vaughan won his game, still unaware of the unfolding tragedy.
The half-time snacks arrive, many thanks to the wonderful staff at the Artichoke.
I don’t know what Ivan has to smile about, I agree with Vaughan and PJ here.
Here’s Judd Trump at the table. His performance turned out to be rather closer to Donald Trump, although I retained enough captaincy judgement not to mention this at the time.
Stupid bloody game.
The final score was 6-3 to the Cottagecore and they deserved that victory, which was their first of the season in the league. I don’t deny that they deserved some points, but I’d rather they didn’t get them against us, but there we go.
Spot the actual lipstick. There was precious little else worth spotting on our scorecard.
Anyway, I have now decided that my cue will not be attending any more matches. It was given a fair opportunity to justify its place in the team and produced what can only be described as a sub-optimal performance. Still, it is only a game, Cottagecore were excellent company and everyone had a lovely evening, which I’m told is the important part. I’m not entirely sure that Luke was surprised and delighted when he heard the result, but he is pragmatic and understands the value of not dwelling on defeat. This is particularly useful when captaining the Artichoke Hearts.
I should add that I was genuinely grateful to Ivan for stepping in and playing. However, I had made it perfectly clear beforehand that this did not mean I would have to be nice about him, and those were the contractual terms on which he agreed to join us. He has since become a regular member of the team and I’m very pleased about that, although naturally I have no intention of telling him to his face. Standards must be maintained.