It’s only a few days left before the bar billiards tournament that I’m organising at the Artichoke pub on Saturday 22 August 2026. I say “organising”, but I really mean “delegating to everyone else” in my finest traditions. I have, however, successfully assembled 24 players, which means the tournament is now full for entrants and therefore demonstrates that I’ve done at least one thing. I think that there are players from nine different teams which is all rather lovely.
Although all of the playing places have gone, spectators are very welcome and I’d actively encourage anyone interested in bar billiards to come along. It’s intended to be a competitive tournament, but also a sociable afternoon and an opportunity for people who haven’t played before to see what the game is all about. Bar billiards is one of those sports that initially appears to consist of people standing around a wooden table drinking beer and occasionally poking things with sticks, before gradually revealing an alarming quantity of tactics, rules and emotional investment. I would add that anyone who stands around for too long might be given a little administrative task or signed up for the second Artichokes team next year.
The event will start at 14:30 and the draw is taking place just before for anyone who wants to come and watch it. Dylan from Articans is overseeing the draw, not that he’s been told this yet, but he likes surprises. He’ll also be managing the scores throughout the afternoon, which is another exciting development in his life that he is currently unaware of. I’m hoping he discovers all of this by reading the blog, which I think counts as a perfectly modern communications strategy.
The draw will determine the pairings and then we’ll work our way through the tournament during the afternoon. With 24 players involved there should be plenty of bar billiards being played, along with the traditional periods of intensive statistical analysis, tactical discussion and somebody asking when they’re playing next despite the schedule being immediately in front of them. I’m hoping I don’t hear “they’re just having a cigarette” or “I think they’re in the toilet” too often when a player is meant to be ready….
The early betting appears to have YouTube Pete and Badger as the most likely winners, although this is plainly incorrect because Luke and I are going to win. I’ve undertaken no statistical analysis to support that conclusion, but confidence has never needed evidence before and I don’t see why it should start now.
There are plenty of dangerous combinations elsewhere. Oscar will be bringing his decadent chalk to the tournament, an item of bar billiards equipment so extravagant that I’m surprised it doesn’t require its own security detail. I still don’t entirely understand how chalk became a luxury item, but bar billiards continues to reveal new economic sectors to me. And I just play with the pub cue and haven’t invested around £300 in some lightweight stick. Actually, with members of the Lionhearts team, there’s every possibility that by next year we’ll need equipment regulations and a salary cap.
Danish Pete is now playing and might be one of the finest players in the field if he’s not distracted and annoyed at something. His inclusion has though rather damaged my preferred narrative that Luke and I simply have to turn up and collect the trophy. Steady Roy from the Serengeti will be there, presumably maintaining exactly the same facial expression whether he’s 2,000 points ahead or has just knocked over every peg.
The Artichoke Hearts combination of PJ and Vaughan could also be difficult to overcome as they know the table well. Then there’s Dave Brewer, who I beat in the league this year, have I mentioned that? Playing with Phil, that means that we have rule experts should we need it. Although thanks to Luke for being the official tournament referee, a role he didn’t know he had until I discreetly popped it in the rules. Incidentally, for anyone who has somehow missed the previous seventeen references to me beating Dave this season, further reminders will be available throughout Saturday.
Then there’s the Sharp tribe from the White Lion, as well as some talent from the King’s Head, including some quite vocal talent. The Sharp tribe can’t be ruled out as they’re at the Artichoke table on Wednesday night, but fortunately I’ll be there to play some games in a little friendly just to ensure that they don’t get too much table time. I regard this not as interference with a rival team’s preparation, but as responsible tournament oversight.
YouTube Pete will be recording games during the afternoon, so we’ll hopefully have some footage of the tournament afterwards. There will also be a clearly designated non-recording area for anyone who doesn’t want to appear on camera. This is particularly important for those who might prefer not to have permanent video evidence of themselves eating 28 Flumps over the course of the afternoon. By “those”, I principally mean me. I’ve effectively created bar billiards VAR with a designated confectionery privacy zone and I’m quite proud of that. The videos should be a nice record of the event and, depending on the results, material that some competitors may subsequently demand is destroyed. Any footage of me losing comprehensively will, naturally, be subject to a rigorous editorial process before publication.
Articans and the Artichoke are sponsoring the event, many thanks to Julian the Old for providing the 50 pence coins for the games as well as some spot prizes throughout the day. The event is aiming to reach at least £50 for Big C, as well as offering prizes for the winners, runner-ups and some random players around the day. These are big prizes, the winners get £35 and the runner-ups get £20, so this is no provincial little league asking players to take part for exposure…. The random awards may reward sporting excellence or they might reward something considerably less impressive.
I have some bad news though, Ivan the Great won’t be appearing as the event filled quickly, but he’s off to a beer festival instead. This is fortunate as otherwise players might get annoyed as he shares his top tips throughout the day. I’ll miss him though. He will be a contender to win next year’s event….
And, there’s more! Luke has acquired, at great expense, some trophies for the event and I’ve seen them and they’re really rather lovely. They will be worth playing for and there’s something for the ‘worst’ team as well, because this is all about taking part and not just winning. Many thanks to Luke this and indeed planning the format of the games as my designated responsible adult.
As a final note, the plan is to run this event as a much larger affair next year so that we have an entry process that allows as many people to enter as possible. That will mean operating it across likely another couple of pubs and I have high hopes that Oscar might be a host at the White Lion if he’s not in a mood that he’s knocked out early on this weekend. Actually, the long-term vision appears to have escalated from ‘small doubles tournament’ to ‘multi-venue Norwich bar billiards infrastructure project’ remarkably quickly and I’m hoping that next year some teams from around the country might make it to the great city of Norwich. Mission creep and all that…..
And in the words of the league:
“It’s Meant To Be Fun!”
Although I’d add that I don’t want too much frivolity on Saturday and I will say in advance that I will call “timed game” if required, as that’s what Emma would want me to do. I’m hoping that things are finished, or near to completion, by 20:00 as if we’re still going at 02:00 then something has gone wrong. And if Saturday works, I’ll take full credit. If it doesn’t, this blog post contains ample documentary evidence that I delegated most of the important jobs. But I think it’ll all be very lovely.