With Luke overseas again, living the life of a modern-day Judith Chalmers, I was required to serve as both captain and vice-captain. What could possibly go wrong? After successfully completing the draw, and thanks to Ivan for reminding me that I had forgotten to do the coin toss to decide who would break. I get muddled up.

I decided that I’d referee the first game and I was all ready with my beer and Hula Hoops, excited to see PJ winning to set us off on our winning ways. We’re the only team that the Red Lion have beaten all season, so I was confident we’d be able to get a victory on home territory. They had won the toss, so it was their team who would break in the first game.

My game was next and I managed to lose a break worth 460 points after an unfortunate interaction with our charmingly unpredictable table. As this was our home venue, blaming the equipment required a certain degree of confidence, but I recovered sufficiently to win and level the match at 1–1. Which reminds me, I must get Luke to re-level our table as that’s something that I’m not allowed to do.

Vaughan arrived and, after acquiring a beer, was sent directly to play his game. I felt that he would be in tip-top form if given as little time as possible to think about matters. My new policy of minimising the amount of time available for players to think had produced its first measurable success.

Vaughan was on tip-top form and put us 2-1 ahead, so my nerves started to settle a little. The vice-captain offered the captain no useful reassurance whatsoever.

Cal brought over the mid-game snacks and then fought in a close game before an unfortunate incident involving a miscue and the black peg where his score was wiped out. However, Cal got the biggest break of the game on our team, showing his natural talent. Ivan and Ian were unlucky and it suddenly meant that we were 4-2 down as we went into the doubles. My stress levels increased.

Ben, making his debut for the team, scored 200 with his first shot and immediately appeared substantially more competent than some of us who had been doing this for considerably longer. He will be allowed to play again. Actually, he doesn’t really have much choice, he’s on the team now.

Ben and Ian won before a highly competent Ivan and Vaughan brought us level at 4–4, leaving PJ and me to play the deciding game. Another unfortunate incident occurred which I shall not mention, but the shortened version is that we lost 5–4.

I think the absence of Luke’s carefully positioned mirror behind the table contributed substantially to the defeat. It had become detached from the wall for reasons that remain under investigation, and we are waiting for him to return from his latest holiday and restore it. It has been suggested that a civil engineer might need to oversee the matter next time.

We had come remarkably close, although the league table will show no interest in the emotional complexity of the evening. Many thanks to Tom and his team for a great evening and we look forward to returning to Coltishall next year. And we’re going to win that one. Definitely.

Just a brief post for this game, as I wasn’t there. The team therefore had to manage without me, which they appear able to do with alarming ease. Here’s Ivan preparing for his latest approach of attempting increasingly risky shots. I’m not entirely sure that I approve, although this has never stopped him before.

Here’s Vaughan on his way to a win during a set of singles results that weren’t entirely optimal. I’d also like to welcome Ian to the team, as it’s always good to acquire some new talent. I should probably mention that Ivan won his singles game too, since he has already mentioned it to me more than once.

Luke said that Face was surprised by just how unlucky we were. This is reassuring, as it means the result can be attributed to misfortune rather than any possibility that the other team played better.

It finished in a 5–4 defeat, but that is close enough that we cannot complain too much. Well, I can complain to Luke, but experience suggests that this will achieve very little. I’m told that it was a fun evening, which is the main thing. If nothing else, we beat the Black Stars this year, and I intend to keep mentioning that for as long as necessary.

On the bright side, it looks as though we’re going to finish just outside the play offs. This conveniently removes the danger of being promoted at the end of the year, a burden for which few of us are emotionally prepared. I’m told that everyone contributed to another excellent evening of bar billiards. More importantly, I’ll be back for the next one, which will no doubt be a relief to Luke who I think struggled without me.

Our next game in the league was against the Black Stars in their home den of the Golden Star. They were top of the league, had beaten us 6–3 earlier in the year and therefore appeared to have several advantages, including being better than us.

But it’s not about winning, it’s about taking part and maybe slightly rage-baiting the other team. Here’s my start to the evening, a beer and some Mini Cheddars to start proceedings off with. I don’t like to drink before playing, but I also don’t like unnecessary lifestyle changes so I do it anyway. Incidentally, rage-baiting might not be within the spirit of the rule, but it’s not strictly outlawed.

Phil and I completed the draw and I was pleased to see I was drawn first, which meant I wouldn’t be playing when the food arrived. Although I ended up playing third as Neil wasn’t there yet and then I managed to time my refereeing when the food arrived, but more on that later as these evenings aren’t just about food.

The Black Stars have some strange rituals before a match begins. I didn’t say anything, partly out of respect and partly because I wanted to see how far matters would escalate.

After watching the Haka performance from Phil designed to unnerve us, we were ready to go.

We started off strong, Luke the Lion stormed his game and then Vaughan, photographed here using the away team’s mini cue which was the size of a breadstick, won his match. Then I finally got a game and I surprised and delighted myself by getting 1730 points. This is territory that I don’t often reside in and I reacted to my 1730 with the quiet dignity of someone already planning the paragraph about it. The match between Vaughan and Mark was high scoring, competitive (in a friendly way) and one of the best games I’ve watched in a while.

That put us 3–0 ahead. Dave helpfully reminded us that we had taken exactly the same lead in the home match before promptly losing 6–3. This was presented as historical context, although I recognised it immediately as psychological warfare.

I was then refereeing when the pizza arrived, which annoyed me, but I didn’t say anything apart from repeatedly mentioning it ever since. Luke refused to get me any food because he was holding Kirsty’s dog and claimed that referees shouldn’t be eating. I would formally note that there is nothing in the Norwich Bar Billiards rules prohibiting a referee from eating pizza. I would further note that Luke managed both to hold the dog and obtain pizza for himself, revealing an impressive flexibility when he needs it.

Anyway, that quite serious matter aside, many thanks to the Black Stars and the Golden Star for organising the pizza and I’m pleased to say that I got two slices so I was happy after the initial stress.

Kirsty deserves a particular mention because she often quietly gets on with playing without demanding the lavish editorial coverage that some of us consider our constitutional right. By “us” I mean Luke and me, he took on the vice-captain role demanding at least eight lines about him in every blog post. Kirsty had the thoroughly thankless task of facing Dave while he scored a ridiculous 2880 and occupied the table for long enough to establish residency, but she kept going and produced a perfectly respectable 590 in the three shots that Dave allowed her. Next up, Terri scored an excellent 880 but still losing, despite that usually being a winning score. PJ then won his game scoring only 710 points against Russell putting us 4-2 ahead.

Incidentally, I heard Terri telling everyone that I had beaten Dave Brewer twice before. She really must stop repeating that story. I dislike dwelling on past glories, particularly when there remains a danger that somebody in Norwich hasn’t yet heard about them. Anyway, I was planning to beat him for a third time and I suppose that I should note that although it was embarrassing to hear my achievements discussed so publicly, accuracy remains important so I didn’t stop the matter being mentioned.

That meant that Vaughan and I went into our game with the score 4-4. I was quite annoyed at my other team members who gave me this extra stress, but I didn’t say anything. I was confident, I knew I could beat Dave Brewer and after a close game that was another exciting arrangement, perhaps too exciting, we managed to win by 920 points to 60.

We had beaten the Black Stars. This world class team, topping the division at the moment, are a formidable force and a great deal of fun, so we had a most lovely evening and I would have noted that even if we had lost. And thanks to Aimee for the comments about the blog and hello Sarah!

I always go to the King’s Head if we win but there was no-one around to take me so I debated not going. However, Luke decided he’d take me as we worry that if I break my cycle then we will get misfortune for seven seasons. But anyway, this was another great evening, thanks to everyone!

And the final scores. And last, but not least, it was good to meet Ben and I think he might well be part of the team soon! I also trust that Kirsty and Terri will mention at future matches that I have now beaten Dave Brewer three times this year. Once that information has been properly circulated throughout the league, I can return to insisting that it isn’t about winning.

I had a great idea a few weeks ago to hold a bar billiards doubles’ competition and on Saturday 22 August, it all came about. 24 players across 12 teams, with players from several teams in the league all coming together in the Artichoke. The aim was to test whether an event like this might work, ready for it to be upgraded in 2027. Here I am with Dylan at the start of the event ready to start the draw.

For anyone interested, I have separate pages with the full results and another with some additional facts and figures. They are obviously spoilers, so don’t start there if you don’t want to know who won. Or just go straight there if you don’t want to read my piffle.

There’s Luke, my supportive vice-captain of the Artichoke Hearts, along with Phil who was busy drinking, and Dave who was celebrating his 26th birthday. Phil and Dave are very senior figures in Norwich bar billiards and so their presence at the draw gave it an air of professionalism. The drinking helped to preserve the traditional character of the sport and this is quite a high-impact sport as it’s an all day affair and not something short and over quickly such as squash.

With a beer to steady my nerves, we were off! Note Luke’s new mirror, which ensured that proceedings could now be viewed from several confusing angles.

The players began to assemble and I was delighted that everyone turned up. This boded well for the day and spared me from having to drag unsuspecting customers into the competition to make up the numbers.

My breakfast of champions. Well, late lunch of champions.

I haven’t attempted to document every game, partly because I didn’t take enough photographs and partly because I can’t remember everything that happened. This is one of the hazards of holding a sporting competition in a pub.

Here’s John from On the Ball City attempting a brave shot. In bar billiards, ‘brave’ can occasionally be a polite substitute for several other adjectives.

Oscar from the White Lions with some of his decadent chalk.

Thank you to the Artichoke for providing free crisps. They were much appreciated and represented an important contribution to athlete welfare.

I was in a team with Luke and we were ready to go! Our name was Just Say No, which was because PJ and Vaughan from the Artichoke Hearts had chosen the rather clever name of We Don’t Do Mushrooms.

My favourite referee of the day as I was given a Flump (every referee could give any player a Flump, many thanks to the Artichoke for that). This was a fiercely contested honour, although the candidates were not informed that judging was taking place. As an aside, Luke and I were delighted to top our group, but we got knocked out in the semi-finals but this was much better than we thought we’d achieve. Next year we will be contenders, I just know it.

Pete, ready for action, with two of his Lionhearts teammates watching closely. Whether they were offering moral support or checking that he knew the rules is unclear.

I needed another snack. Tournament administration consumes an astonishing number of calories, especially if you repeatedly walk between the table and the bar.

There’s PJ from the Artichoke Hearts and I’m pleased to say that Luke was an impartial referee.

Ian from Decadent Chalk, with his teammate Oscar watching on.

Timed game.

And before we knew it, it was time for the final.

And then it was time for the awards and thanks to Luke for donating these trophies.

Chip won the spot prize for being the most elegantly presented.

Dave won the prize for the worst shot of the day. Now, I didn’t have any complaints about that shot as it was against Luke and I, when he wiped out the 200 mushroom and lost all of his team’s score. There are mistakes and then there are mistakes that earn trophies, so well done Dave.

We were going to give an award for the team that won by the most points in a game. Unfortunately, it transpired that it was our team, so Luke and I didn’t want it to look fixed, so Dave won an award for the worst team performance in a game as well as the worst individual performance. What a surprise and delight for your birthday!

Worthy winners of the spot prizes!

There was a special prize for the team who came last in the round robin of 12 games and that honour went to the Young Lions, proving that youth is no guarantee of success and experience is no guarantee of anything either.

Mick and Broomie are both very classy players and they were delighted with their trophy. Well, Mick was. Broomie appears to have been processing the achievement in his own way.

The list of high scores is on the facts and figures page. Oscar claimed the prize with a break of 730, taking the final fragment of positivity away from Zak, who had been knocked out early but had otherwise secured the highest break with 690. Competitive sport can be cruel. Fortunately, Oscar seemed able to live with that quite easily.

I was very proud of PJ and Vaughan from the Artichoke Hearts who won the Vase, very impressive!

Next were the runners-up of the champion’s league, namely John and Charlotte who surprised and delighted throughout the day. Charlotte’s first shot in her opening game did not go entirely according to plan, but everything after that was quite splendid. This is known in sport as peaking at the correct time, or possibly just recovering quickly.

And the champions! Sharpie and David from the Old Lions who were magnificent all day.

We raised £90 for the Big C, thanks for the entry fees from everyone as well as Dave Brewer, Sharpie and David who put extra money back in from their winnings. The feedback was really positive and I think it was a great relaunch event for the doubles’ competition. Next year it’ll likely be three times the size, held across three pubs and have more excitement, drama and beer. We’ll post it on national bar billiards forums to maybe get some national, or even international, talent along.

It was a delight to organise this because of how supportive everyone was, big thanks to Luke, Articans and the Artichoke, I’m looking forwards to next year already!

And the highest individual breaks!

Those who came second in their league went forwards to the Vase.

And then the winners in each league went through to the Champions Cup. It’s all very decadent!

It’s only a few days left before the bar billiards tournament that I’m organising at the Artichoke pub on Saturday 22 August 2026. I say “organising”, but I really mean “delegating to everyone else” in my finest traditions. I have, however, successfully assembled 24 players, which means the tournament is now full for entrants and therefore demonstrates that I’ve done at least one thing. I think that there are players from nine different teams which is all rather lovely.

Although all of the playing places have gone, spectators are very welcome and I’d actively encourage anyone interested in bar billiards to come along. It’s intended to be a competitive tournament, but also a sociable afternoon and an opportunity for people who haven’t played before to see what the game is all about. Bar billiards is one of those sports that initially appears to consist of people standing around a wooden table drinking beer and occasionally poking things with sticks, before gradually revealing an alarming quantity of tactics, rules and emotional investment. I would add that anyone who stands around for too long might be given a little administrative task or signed up for the second Artichokes team next year.

The event will start at 14:30 and the draw is taking place just before for anyone who wants to come and watch it. Dylan from Articans is overseeing the draw, not that he’s been told this yet, but he likes surprises. He’ll also be managing the scores throughout the afternoon, which is another exciting development in his life that he is currently unaware of. I’m hoping he discovers all of this by reading the blog, which I think counts as a perfectly modern communications strategy.

The draw will determine the pairings and then we’ll work our way through the tournament during the afternoon. With 24 players involved there should be plenty of bar billiards being played, along with the traditional periods of intensive statistical analysis, tactical discussion and somebody asking when they’re playing next despite the schedule being immediately in front of them. I’m hoping I don’t hear “they’re just having a cigarette” or “I think they’re in the toilet” too often when a player is meant to be ready….

The early betting appears to have YouTube Pete and Badger as the most likely winners, although this is plainly incorrect because Luke and I are going to win. I’ve undertaken no statistical analysis to support that conclusion, but confidence has never needed evidence before and I don’t see why it should start now.

There are plenty of dangerous combinations elsewhere. Oscar will be bringing his decadent chalk to the tournament, an item of bar billiards equipment so extravagant that I’m surprised it doesn’t require its own security detail. I still don’t entirely understand how chalk became a luxury item, but bar billiards continues to reveal new economic sectors to me. And I just play with the pub cue and haven’t invested around £300 in some lightweight stick. Actually, with members of the Lionhearts team, there’s every possibility that by next year we’ll need equipment regulations and a salary cap.

Danish Pete is now playing and might be one of the finest players in the field if he’s not distracted and annoyed at something. His inclusion has though rather damaged my preferred narrative that Luke and I simply have to turn up and collect the trophy. Steady Roy from the Serengeti will be there, presumably maintaining exactly the same facial expression whether he’s 2,000 points ahead or has just knocked over every peg.

The Artichoke Hearts combination of PJ and Vaughan could also be difficult to overcome as they know the table well. Then there’s Dave Brewer, who I beat in the league this year, have I mentioned that? Playing with Phil, that means that we have rule experts should we need it. Although thanks to Luke for being the official tournament referee, a role he didn’t know he had until I discreetly popped it in the rules. Incidentally, for anyone who has somehow missed the previous seventeen references to me beating Dave this season, further reminders will be available throughout Saturday.

Then there’s the Sharp tribe from the White Lion, as well as some talent from the King’s Head, including some quite vocal talent. The Sharp tribe can’t be ruled out as they’re at the Artichoke table on Wednesday night, but fortunately I’ll be there to play some games in a little friendly just to ensure that they don’t get too much table time. I regard this not as interference with a rival team’s preparation, but as responsible tournament oversight.

YouTube Pete will be recording games during the afternoon, so we’ll hopefully have some footage of the tournament afterwards. There will also be a clearly designated non-recording area for anyone who doesn’t want to appear on camera. This is particularly important for those who might prefer not to have permanent video evidence of themselves eating 28 Flumps over the course of the afternoon. By “those”, I principally mean me. I’ve effectively created bar billiards VAR with a designated confectionery privacy zone and I’m quite proud of that. The videos should be a nice record of the event and, depending on the results, material that some competitors may subsequently demand is destroyed. Any footage of me losing comprehensively will, naturally, be subject to a rigorous editorial process before publication.

Articans and the Artichoke are sponsoring the event, many thanks to Julian the Old for providing the 50 pence coins for the games as well as some spot prizes throughout the day. The event is aiming to reach at least £50 for Big C, as well as offering prizes for the winners, runner-ups and some random players around the day. These are big prizes, the winners get £35 and the runner-ups get £20, so this is no provincial little league asking players to take part for exposure…. The random awards may reward sporting excellence or they might reward something considerably less impressive.

I have some bad news though, Ivan the Great won’t be appearing as the event filled quickly, but he’s off to a beer festival instead. This is fortunate as otherwise players might get annoyed as he shares his top tips throughout the day. I’ll miss him though. He will be a contender to win next year’s event….

And, there’s more! Luke has acquired, at great expense, some trophies for the event and I’ve seen them and they’re really rather lovely. They will be worth playing for and there’s something for the ‘worst’ team as well, because this is all about taking part and not just winning. Many thanks to Luke this and indeed planning the format of the games as my designated responsible adult.

As a final note, the plan is to run this event as a much larger affair next year so that we have an entry process that allows as many people to enter as possible. That will mean operating it across likely another couple of pubs and I have high hopes that Oscar might be a host at the White Lion if he’s not in a mood that he’s knocked out early on this weekend. Actually, the long-term vision appears to have escalated from ‘small doubles tournament’ to ‘multi-venue Norwich bar billiards infrastructure project’ remarkably quickly and I’m hoping that next year some teams from around the country might make it to the great city of Norwich. Mission creep and all that…..

And in the words of the league:

“It’s Meant To Be Fun!”

Although I’d add that I don’t want too much frivolity on Saturday and I will say in advance that I will call “timed game” if required, as that’s what Emma would want me to do. I’m hoping that things are finished, or near to completion, by 20:00 as if we’re still going at 02:00 then something has gone wrong. And if Saturday works, I’ll take full credit. If it doesn’t, this blog post contains ample documentary evidence that I delegated most of the important jobs. But I think it’ll all be very lovely.

Our third match in three weeks was a cup game against the Lionhearts from the White Lion pub. Nathan and I would never say this in public, but we’re the best two captains in the league and I ignored the “they seem to think they’re the Gallagher brothers of bar billiards” comments. We are considerably more professional than that, although there is admittedly some swagger, unnecessary rivalry and an outside possibility that one of us will announce a reunion tour before immediately cancelling it over creative differences.

The draw was conducted in a polite manner and I like their idea of having see-through name tags, I’m going to get Luke to do that next year. Ivan had reliably informed me that he would beat Oscar, so I was already looking forward to taking an early 1-0 lead. I admired his confidence and, against all available evidence, briefly shared it.

Anyway, we went into the second game 1-0 down. It would be unfair to be rude about Ivan here, as I have plenty of other opportunities for that, because he was level with Oscar for much of the game. Unfortunately, bar billiards matches are generally decided by the score at the end rather than the encouraging period somewhere in the middle. This victory also made Oscar unbearable for about fifteen minutes, they really need a responsible woman on that team to restore some discipline. But I didn’t say anything.

Then it was my turn and by now we were 3-0 down and that was very sub-optimal. I knew this was my opportunity to surprise and delight Nathan, so naturally I produced my highest score and best break of the season. Nathan might have been more impressed had I not been doing it against one of his own players, but these are minor details in the pursuit of sporting excellence.

It was a genuinely good game against Fraser, although I have to remain polite about him because he occasionally reads my electricity meter. There are rivalries in sport, but there are also practical considerations involving estimated bills. I’d better add Fraser doesn’t work for EDF, he just lives nearby to me.

Incidentally, Danish Pete (known by that as he’s Danish) scored the most points and he’s my favourite of the Lionhearts because he says nice things about this blog, demonstrating both excellent judgement and a willingness to overlook its declining editorial standards. He’s a published author and that discernment shows.

This also allows me to mention, entirely incidentally, that I recorded the second-highest score of the evening. I would not normally draw attention to my own achievements, so I shall leave that fact sitting quietly here in its own little paragraph.

Alex with the bar snacks. By this time, we had gone into the doubles 4-2 down, but we lost our first doubles games (again, we played the games in a different order to the score-sheet) and so we were knocked out of the cup. That took the pressure off Vaughan and I and we managed to get it to 5-3 and this confirms an important psychological principle that the Artichoke Hearts are at their most dangerous once there is absolutely nothing left to save. I was also distracted by Craig, the organiser of Norwich Beer Festival, heckling me from the rear of the room, but fortunately I was only distracted from eating and not from playing bar billiards. Nothing distracts me there.

The highlight of my evening. I ensured that I got pork scratchings for Nathan, although I think Lee got to most of them first. I was impressed with his speed on the food acquisition, he was certainly not far off being as fast as me. I’m pleased to say that I secured M&Ms so I was happy with the arrangement. I liked Lee’s claim he was just opening the packets to share, I use lines like that too whilst busily eating some from each pack.

I still have no idea why Nathan likes pork scratchings. They resemble fragments removed during emergency repairs to an old leather sofa, but I never say anything. Captaincy sometimes though involves politely looking away while someone eats something that appears to have been recovered from a builder’s skip.

I forgot to take many photos of the game, but here’s the doubles game with PJ, Nick, Fraser and Nathan in the photo. There’s also Kirsty and I think Luke’s arm. I didn’t want to miss anyone out there.

On the bright side, I didn’t have to go to the King’s Head as tradition dictates when we occasionally win. Well done to Pete, Vaughan, Danish Pete and Luke on their high scores, and me of course. I recognise Nathan’s handwriting there, we often forget to record those notable breaks, so thanks for his thoroughness.

It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening and many thanks to the Lionhearts for a close game and excellent company. They deserved their victory, although as one of the two greatest captains in the league I naturally reserve the right to attribute it partly to circumstances beyond my control. And well done to everyone on the Artichoke Hearts, it was a lot of fun and there were numerous close games.

We can now concentrate on the league, largely because the cup has made itself unavailable to us. I’ll watch some more Brian Clough videos before the next match, as the tactical benefits of simply shouting at everyone have yet to be fully explored.

Half the season now completed, we were playing the Serengeti for the second time this year. Following a sub-optimal result against Cottagecore the previous week, I had summoned the players to a training night on the Monday so that we were prepared. I spent some time considering what Brian Clough would have done in the circumstances and concluded that he would almost certainly have called an additional bar billiards practice session in a Norwich pub. The parallels between us are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

My highly motivated team were clearly energised, focused and transformed by this intensive preparation, as we promptly lost the first two games. There are occasions when coaching takes a little while to filter through.

Then PJ put us on winning form.

Ivan, against whom I now refuse to hear a single word, followed with another victory. I never doubted him, other than during several earlier matches and most of the previous week.

I bought myself a drink to celebrate the emergence of my new star player. Ivan received the considerably greater reward of knowing that he had briefly earned my approval.

Then the bar snacks appeared. I managed to beat Wes which meant that it was 3-3 going into the doubles part of the evening.

The dream team of myself and Vaughan put us 4-3 up, then Ivan and PJ lost (for anyone checking the results sheet, we played a game out of order) which meant that Terri and Luke had the final game. And this marvellous partnership eased to victory so we won 5-4.

The Serengeti are my former team and remain a marvellous group of people. Roy is the calmest and most gentlemanly of captains, an approach I have studied carefully before deciding not to adopt any of it. It was a lovely evening and an exceptionally close match, and I hope they do really well in the cup this year. I also missed my friend Emma, of course, as the Serengeti are never quite the same without her. They are noticeably quieter, for one thing.

Another great night and thanks to everyone, I had a most lovely time. But, my rule is that I go to the King’s Head afterwards if we win, so here are.

And Oscar was there too from the Lionhearts, which leads me neatly to my next post.

I have to admit that I’ve been quite remiss in keeping this blog updated with the performance of the Artichoke Hearts, so that means that my two loyal blog readers will now have the sheer excitement of three bar billiards posts in a row. I’d also note that as this game was a few days after the London Craft Beer Festival I was drinking non-alcohol beer and I now regret that decision, as I was bloody dismal. Scientific evidence linking these two facts remains limited, but I have nevertheless reached my conclusion and won’t be repeating that mistake again.

Assiduous readers will note that half the regulars weren’t there as they were at Latitude Festival playing in the mud. I did wonder at this stage if anything could possibly go wrong, but I knew that I had a new secret weapon, Ivan. He told me that he was a champion player and that he was one of the winners of the cup when it was held at the Rosary. Fortunately for Ivan, the pub closed more than a decade ago and every surviving piece of documentary evidence confirming his achievements appears to have vanished with it.

For the first time in the season, I actually brought my own cue along. It’s not a very good cue, but I thought that it might bring me good luck, along with 0% Guinness and Prawn McCoys. Bar billiards is largely about psychology, with a modest amount of skill occasionally intruding, so I was quietly confident that this carefully assembled collection of sporting equipment and savoury snacks would transform my performance.

Vaughan won his game, still unaware of the unfolding tragedy.

The half-time snacks arrive, many thanks to the wonderful staff at the Artichoke.

I don’t know what Ivan has to smile about, I agree with Vaughan and PJ here.

Here’s Judd Trump at the table. His performance turned out to be rather closer to Donald Trump, although I retained enough captaincy judgement not to mention this at the time.

Stupid bloody game.

The final score was 6-3 to the Cottagecore and they deserved that victory, which was their first of the season in the league. I don’t deny that they deserved some points, but I’d rather they didn’t get them against us, but there we go.

Spot the actual lipstick. There was precious little else worth spotting on our scorecard.

Anyway, I have now decided that my cue will not be attending any more matches. It was given a fair opportunity to justify its place in the team and produced what can only be described as a sub-optimal performance. Still, it is only a game, Cottagecore were excellent company and everyone had a lovely evening, which I’m told is the important part. I’m not entirely sure that Luke was surprised and delighted when he heard the result, but he is pragmatic and understands the value of not dwelling on defeat. This is particularly useful when captaining the Artichoke Hearts.

I should add that I was genuinely grateful to Ivan for stepping in and playing. However, I had made it perfectly clear beforehand that this did not mean I would have to be nice about him, and those were the contractual terms on which he agreed to join us. He has since become a regular member of the team and I’m very pleased about that, although naturally I have no intention of telling him to his face. Standards must be maintained.